Tongue Tied

The truth is rarely pure and is never simple.

(Oscar Wilde)

Speaking my truth has never been easy. From the time I was a little girl, I remember hearing words like “shut your dam mouth” or “who asked you” or “why don’t you go and make yourself useful.” Even though some of those words may have had a slight smile attached to them, all I heard were the words, as would most children who do not have the intellectual development to discern the tone and subtleness.

Most parents have no idea how seemingly innocent remarks can affect a child’s undeveloped mind in terms of what stress responses will incur within such a young heart and body. Sarcastic or deliberately hurtful words without a child’s awareness of the manner of presentation cut deeply and permanently and absolutely affect not only a person’s behaviour throughout life but also his/her emotional wellness and physical health. I grew up believing that I not only did not have a voice in the world but also no one would listen anyway even if I did want to say something.  That was my mind’s reality, but it wasn’t my truth.

Tender ears and heart

Over the years I have struggled with standing up for myself and saying what I really wanted to say. I believed unconsciously that there would be retribution from my words because that was my experience. Friends who were courageous, trusting and loving enough to help me understand my behaviour, or lack of it, have been dear angels in my life, as harsh realities about oneself can be painful things to learn and heal.

One particular earth angel said to me a couple of years ago “You are not responsible for what other people feel and think about you; you are only responsible for how you feel and think about yourself.” These wise words have helped me on many occasions to deal with confrontational behaviour with others. It helped me get myself ‘off the hook’ of always putting myself down by creating self-blame for everything that happened. I don’t deserve that. Nobody does. There are enough unpleasant things going on in the world and plenty of sociopathic behaviours; we don’t need to create any more stress within ourselves. But it leaves me wondering why do we continually expect other people to say nice things to us and treat us with respect when we don’t tell ourselves loving thoughts? Like attracts like.

Writing on this blog has been an important stepping stone for me. For the past two decades all my writing has been within the confines of my private journal, and I felt safe with that. Writing for publication has been a deep fear of mine for many years. Every time I felt a spiritual nudge to start writing a book, I would start to shake and get butterflies in my stomach. So, like most of us, I would avoid following up with the nudge and redirect my focus. I think that’s call resistance.

Finding a voice

I realized recently that all the writing that I have been doing on this blog is for my friends, family and other people who are kind enough to drop by and read my pieces. When I begin the process of writing a post, the first thing that I hear in my head is “What can I write for them?” or “Will they find this corny?” or “What can I write about that will make people like what I say?” This is not my truth, only the reality of my own fearful ego’s creation.

So what is personal truth anyway? My word processing program’s thesaurus gives the following synonyms for truth: reality, genuineness, honesty, integrity, to name a few.  Personal truth means being honest with myself and having integrity with my thoughts, words, and actions.  Applied to writing, it means saying what I really want to say, not what I think others would like to hear. It also means speaking from my heart, not from the ego mind.  I am in ‘truth articulation recovery’, a process of finding my true voice and untying my tongue. This post is a start.

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10 Responses to Tongue Tied

  1. Peg says:

    Each of us walks our own path, in our own way, with our
    own joys and sorrows. Still, the paths intersect from time
    to time with like beings and in that way, we are blessed.
    Soldier on, dear girl. You are not alone.

    • Shanomi says:

      No stopping now, Peg. As you well know, understanding one’s own thoughts, emotions and behavior is essential to moving forward and not letting the past have control or power over you. It’s conscious growth and empowerment, not unconscious denial and convincing oneself that all is well, as I did most of my life. Thank you for all your wise words over the years.

  2. Joan Hebb says:

    I look forward to reading your Musings, and there is always a message which is inspiring to me.
    Thank you Shanomi and I do hope you will and are having a Happy Valentines Day. Love you –

    • Shanomi says:

      Thanks Joan. Happy Valentine’s to you as well. Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone who drops by today to read my blog. May your hearts sing songs of love today and all the days of your lives.

  3. Margaret says:

    Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons (including yourself) – love readly your travel blog – you are at peace with yourself while enjoying your discovery of the universe –

    With all its sham, drudgery and broken drams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful, strive to be happy – specially about the ‘things’ one cannot change!

    Some of these words, integrated with my personal findings, are located in Old Saint Paul’s Church, Baltimore, dated 1692.

    Surrender the ‘things’ of youth – be gentle with yourself – I find this a difficult task frankly – life long learning – always the call of the day!

    CONTINUED Safe travels ‘old’ friend – NS sends you fond wishes, love, Margaret

    • Shanomi says:

      Thank you for those familiar words, Margaret. I don’t know whether or not you noticed a large wooden plaque on the wall in my kitchen. These same words were inscribed on it, and I quite often read the wise message while waiting for my potatoes to boil. So thank you for sending me fond memories of my home in Crousetown.

  4. Ginny says:

    You can also add to that, “Children should be seen and not heard.” When the comments are mostly negative, the child begins to believe they are worthless. I to have struggled to stand up for myself and still do, and always berating oneself, “why didn’t I say this, why didn’t I do that?”, and mentally kicking oneself until self feels as low as a snakes belly.
    I’m so glad to see that you are coming into your own and have lost that resistance shadow. Speak from your heart, find your true voice, untie your tongue, and keep these wonderful posts coming. I enjoy reading each and every one of them.

    • Shanomi says:

      Thanks Ginny. Well said yourself. At dinner tonight I’ll toast all those souls who are stepping past the shadows and finally speaking their truth. Valentine’s is tomorrow – yipee – let’s start loving ourselves as we would want others to love and respect us.
      Take gentle care of yourself

      • Anonymous says:

        I am so happy to hear from you. I think about you all the time and what a true plessure it was meeting you. Thank you for including me on your wonderful journey.
        Shelley 🙂

      • Shanomi says:

        Hi Shelley…As far as I am concerned, our time meeting last summer was way too short. You are a true bubble of joy. I’m so glad that you are still following along. Trust that all is going well for you.

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